Forgive ness

Forgiveness is a slippery thing. Just when you think you have forgiven, the adversary brings the injustice to mind and one is once again angry and unforgiving. I struggled with forgiveness in my early twenties. I had a difficult upbringing and as a result, I had cut off a portion of my family. I was counseled that this was necessary to my healing. I was counseled to continue to not talk to this family until they apologize, only then will I know they are sorry and won’t hurt me in the future. I was also counseled to forgive.

Looking back, I can understand why this was such a confusing time for me. Not only was I reacting based on emotions, but the advice I was receiving was contradictory. I said I forgave them then marched on with my life continuing to exclude those family members. But as months turned into years, I became exhausted. I frequently would worry about what would happen if I ran into them at the store? Or if they tried to call, what would I do?

Even though I said I had forgiven them I was not at peace, and whenever I thought of the situation I was brought back to deep hurt and anger. Little did I know that the Lord was working on my heart.  During that time, I read the following story from (then) Elder Heber J Grant.

Heber related an experience he had as a young Apostle. President John Taylor wrote a letter to all the 12 Apostles about the rebaptism of an excommunicated brother. President Taylor said the brother may be baptized if all 12 were in agreeance, but if even 1 Apostle was not comfortable with the idea then they would not do so.

Heber J Grant was not at all comfortable with the rebaptism. This brother had committed serious sins, and then lied about them to the 12. There was no way Heber J Grant could ever trust this man to be sincere in his repentance and worse he had disgraced the name of the church.

Over time all the 12 Apostles, except for Heber J Grant, recommended baptism. When President Taylor asked Elder Grant about his feelings, Heber J Grant let out fiery indignation toward the brother in question. President Taylor told Heber J Grant to stay true to those convictions. After leaving the office of President Taylor, Heber J Grant went to lunch and read D&C   64: 9-10 “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men; but he that forgiveth not his brother standeth condemned before the Lord.”

Heber J Grant had a sudden transcending change of heart. He concluded then and there that if Satan himself applied for baptism and professed repentance, then he himself would baptize him.

Rushing back to the President's office, Heber J Grant agreed to the baptism of this brother. After a good laugh President Taylor asked Heber how he felt when he had left the office. Heber J Grant confessed that he had been angry, and if he had come upon the brother, he may have punched him square in the forehead. President Taylor asked Heber J Grant how he now felt, and he stated that he was at peace and he had a love for the brother. President Taylor then acknowledged that he had left the issue up to the 12 as a teaching experience for the younger apostles. In no other way could they feel the power of peace that forgiveness brings without experiencing a mighty change within their own hearts.

After reading this I desired that peace more than anything, so I just gave up on the anger. I prayed for true forgiveness and I prayed for the healing power of the Atonement to change my feelings toward my family members. I was so blessed a few weeks later when I ran into one of them. I felt love and peace (and a little caution). For the most part that peace has stayed with me for 15 years.

I learned that forgiveness is so important for us – not the other person. It is us who needs to change and develop a greater capacity to love and accept the faults and follies of others. Nowhere is this more important than in a marriage. A marriage without forgiveness is a marriage without peace and unity. Just saying you forgive someone without actually having a change of heart toward them is just as effective as Michael Scott “declaring” bankruptcy by just shouting it out. It is no good unless we put the work and the effort into it. But it is so worth it. Not only will the bonds become stronger, but we have an assurance that the Lord will show the same mercy on us.