Turning To Your Spouse

My late husband was injured at work, and as a result, was home and in pain for a few years before he passed away. When his injury first happened, we turned to each other and relied on each other emotionally for the support we needed. However, days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and eventually we lost this connection because we stopped turning toward each other for the little things. We were in somewhat of a rut. His pain level didn’t change, and my frustration with the situation didn’t change, so instead of saying the same thing over and over, we just tried to deal with it on our own. I believe we were trying not to complain, but it built up walls that eventually led to something worse, and that was a feeling of apathy. We both became apathetic toward the struggle of the other person. This led to a further disconnect between us that became very unhealthy.

What we could have, or should have done, was made a bigger effort to stay emotionally connected. That effort would have been best if we had turned to each other in the big and the small things we were handling. I should have come to him more often to share my frustrations, my hopes, and my challenges. Because he was in pain, I thought I would be adding to his burden if I told him my problems, and I assumed he felt the same way toward me.

However, I now believe that adding to someone’s burden was the wrong way to look at it. I have often found that listening to someone else’s problems allows me perspective and helps me better handle my problems. It doesn’t add to my burdens, but helps me appreciate what I am dealing with. It also allows me to develop empathy toward the other person.  Little positive actions lead to a strong feeling of trust and connection with a spouse. Conversely the lack of small positive interactions leads to an emotional disconnect. Gottman describes this as investing in an emotional bank. Each time we turn to our spouse we make a deposit, and with enough deposits we can rely on a secure future with someone even when we face trials.  There is a multitude of ways to turn to our spouse and make deposits into our emotional bank account, the main concern is being aware of where you are at. Judging the emotional temperature of your marriage and seeking to either rectify it, or continue to strengthen it, is the true key.